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Dec 20, 2011


This coating of soot on the dusty floor?
These are ashes, my daughter. Of hopes and dreams.
They gleefully burnt my fragile wings when I was young--
Plucked my feathers and viciously tore my voice-box.
It was the last song ever sung.
That song - the one of freedom.

Look - here on my finger, this soot I will show you.
Can you smell it? This is the smell of hopelessness
And emotional fragility, where they raped my passion.
Can you see how opaque it is, how black?
It is dark, much like their rotting hearts.
Much like the godly entity that let this calamity transcend on me.

These soot lines on my cheeks are not a sign of surrender.
It is a battle mark, a medallion, a red flag--
Dignity is my queen. And I am its defender.
I am not this vicious fire that eats away hope,
I am not these flames that burn away dreams,
I am not this smoke that inhibits your vision

They numbed my senses
And suffocated me with sarin.
But I will never let you touch this soot.
Your dreams will never be devoured
By cruelty and fire.
You will never wither away
Wither away like I did.
There is a fire that destroys human progression,
And there is a fire in you, your mechanical propeller.

Dec 6, 2011


These eyes are seeing white.
Where once a smile would evoke
The visions of red colours, dancing brilliantly,
They now appear flat. Dull.
The world that was once artistically painted
With an impressionist’s scattering of
Cerulean blues and blinding, buttery yellows
and grassy greens and vivid, rose-like pinks
their edges blurred and merging, a beautiful sight---
Everything is now grey.
As if I am colour blind.

This beating entity inside my chest
Feels detached and pointless---
Just a composition of cells and vessels
A rhythmic reminder.
Someone must have sneaked to my bed at night
Artfully slit my chest open,
Delicately extracted this heart
And boiled it in scalding water.
Nerves no more tingling with sensation,
Skin no more sensing the feathery touch of friendship,
Eyes no more seeing the colours of life.

I feel sterile,
So clean. An enchantment on my own.
Everything is numb, it’s morphine, it’s white---
There are only greys. There is no emotion.
A zombie walks through these shadowed streets at night,
Wearing my clothes,
My hair upon its head,
My voice (lifeless) emanating from its larynx,
My shoes on its feet,
My possessions in its cupboard.
Such pristine serenity
In a whirlpool of numb nothingness;

I am just a body;
A withered corpse sucked dry of blood,
An earthen pot smashed on the floor,
A soulless creature,
A sponge squeezed dry of water,
A lifeless, limp flag of independence.

Life is where love is, where freedom is,
Where trust is.
Where home is.

But I have no home.

Nov 6, 2011

Insurmountable Hate

Part I

Here it stands - a pristine, blank mirror
Reflecting back tortured eyes and a blackened soul,
As if you with your deranged hair and sadistic tendencies
Sacrificed a night of sleep
To hold up a piece of paper with my name on it
And watch it blacken with disintegration
And curl with degeneration
In a fire with fierce flames that spit reverently
Admiring the food you are dangling in its arms.

Part II

Could it be a knife your words brandish?
Because the sharp nicks that painstakingly cut my willpower
Have left nothing but shredded ribbons of flesh behind
I am bleeding – there is nothing in me but blood –
Don’t you see what you have done?
These shocking, piercing, excruciating needles
You have dislodged in my resolve?

Part III

My blood has thickened into petrol
Bubbling gelatinously in its confined presence in my heart,
Giving way to fissures of gas that escape like refugees
From a country tormented by dictatorial damnation.
The heat with which it froths and churns;
As if it is waiting to catch fire, biding it’s time
Until the day it explodes into a crazed entity
Of fire, anger, hatred, torment and abhorrence
That consumes me till the point my skin rips at the seams.
And then you would be happy.
Then you would be satisfied.
Then you would die a pleased woman.

Part IV

It was like sobbing relentlessly on the shoulder of the two-faced devil,
Telling him the deepest, most precious sentiments of your heart
And finding comfort in his counterfeit promises.
But you, with your blood red horns and your fiery trident,
A grin dripping brutally with contentment and amusement
Gripped my trust by the hair, tugging at its sensitive roots,
Threw it at hungry cannibals, to watch them satiate their appetite.
Yes, you laughed as they sank their jagged teeth into it,
You laughed as they ripped the skin off its poor flesh.

Part V

Poor, pristine mirror. Pity that your innocent face
Should have been the victim of my insurmountable anger,
Because in you I have seen my face,
In you I have seen the depths of that black soul,
In the depths of that black soul, a woman burning paper,
In the depths of those flames, the consuming hatred,
In the depths of the hatred, a breach of trust.
And in the depths of all that,
The shocking pinks and blues of pain so irreparable
Nothing can heal it ever again.

Oct 30, 2011

A Headache

Her head is seconds away from exploding.
There's a perilous pressure pushing persuasively
On her fragile cranium, eating up all the space inside
Flooding every unoccupied air bubble
With it's distastefully pressurizing presence;
There's a throbbing again her eye,
A pulsating, persistent push
That's threatened to prick her tear ducts
Until she cries.

And there's the truth, looming like a ghost
Over her shoulder, intimidating and irritable;
Her tears could draw away the pain
Like an ice pack relieves a fervent fever.
But if she cries, she knows
Her heart will collapse upon itself 
Like a house with foundations that were never stable.
And so the eternal dilemma -
Pain for pain,
There is never relief.

There is a drought somewhere, 
And frail bodies are walking helplessly under the sun,
Willpower and survival skills being their unfortunate saviour.
There is a girl who's trust in safety
Has been violated due to crimes inflicted upon her.
There is an innocent, wide eyed child
Struggling for breath under the rubble and heavy burden of an earthquake.

But when your own mind becomes a pressure cooker
Fed with the distasteful pressures of society,
And it is as if only a drill through the brain
Or a violent display of instability
Could relieve the throbbing ache.
Here is a pain more potent.

Oct 16, 2011

Double Standards

Here is to all the glassy eyes
That shone like glass under ultraviolet light;
Reflecting back shocking blues of hope
And misguided lasers of ruby red romance
Because your face radiated moonlit paleness
That grasped at their innocence and naivete.
Excited breaths like fine tendrils singing of fragility;
You stared.
I stared.
Like they all had stared.
Their hearts must have been racehorses
Fuelled by the same concentration of adrenaline
That I remember coursing through my own veins.
Their smiles must have been just as lost
As mine were when our lips met.
They must have been just as easily fooled
As I was.

Here's to all the glassy eyes
That were dazzled by the mask of wood
Bearing handsome likeness;
Behind which lies an ugly, festering heart
Burnt raw.
Grotesquely malformed.

Oct 11, 2011


Like a tissue,
Lying used
Lost on your messy table,
Out of its dainty box
Now hidden under in the wastepaper bin.

Here I was
That for the first time
Miracles were blossoming.
And yet,
Here you were
Revelling in the illusion
That hung like curtains from my eyes.

I watch you from the corners of tables,
From the tops of fans,
From behind the pillars like a lost soul-
I watch you use others
Like the poor tissue that resembles me.

Sep 26, 2011


The metal tinge of blood is in the air,
It's smell so strong, I can smell it in my hair.
The blood forms a crusty layer
Where those gashes run deep and permanent.
The bruises and bloody cuts surround my eyes
I see red. I see red. I see nothing but red,
The red shards of pain that cling to my mane,
And the brilliant red of those eyes.

Those eyes
That like a crayon-like dark night
Evoke a heart-hammering fear---
Maniacal eyes, pulled so wide
To imitate the width of that teeth-baring smile.
Menacing. Just like the sound of the whip
This crazed monster brandishes in its human hands.

With every act of butchering
It inflicts on my poor, innocent body
I recoil---
With every recoil, I recede---

Back into that cage.
And soon enough I am right where I started.

I never used to notice these entrapping steel bars
While my skin was unmarked with the signs of abuse.
But now, the blood leaves my coffin of a body at an alarming rate,
I am an artwork of gashes running with blood.
I am the Mecca of pain at this moment in time
And I have to bleed in this cage, unable to cry.

Those humans, 
Whose voices aren't sliced by metal jars,
If only I were you.

Sep 18, 2011

Bittersweet Treat

I pretend it's you--
This slowly sinking sugar cube
Drowning in the endless depth of steaming coffee,
Crying frantically for my help,
Disintegrating as it drowsily melts,
Overcome by the stormy heat.
I'll be neglecting you. Like you neglected me.
How unfair that I should be so cruel--
To something so inanimate
When the real culprit is you!
The grains of sugar have arranged themselves
To resemble your face; the signature smile
Is now a frown, because I have stabbed you with a spoon
And put a veil of foam where your eyes should be.
I stir; you're disappearing into a whirlpool of heat and bitterness
Never to emerge again. And I won't bid adieu.
You've sweetened my chasm of bitter despair,
You're the taste it needs to be deemed complete.
The Pits of Tartarus now seal themselves,
Having claimed their last bastard. 
The collection is done.

Sadistic pleasure (or is it relief?)
Pulls back my lips in a teeth-baring grin,
All I need is laughter, as the remainder of you melts
And disappears. Never to be seen again.
So I drink heartily my bittersweet treat,
Swallowing down sweet memories
That have morphed into a noxious mass of gelatinous nothingness.
Time changes everything.

A friend of mine (SB) took the liberty to write a reply to this poem, by continuing the analogy, not exactly from the point of view of the persona this poem was addressing, but as an active bystander who empathized.


Today. Just today.
I feel like that sinking sugar cube.
That slowly dissolves into the bitter coffee.
I do not call for help .just for acknowledgement.
The heavy liquid slowly pulls me down. 
I never neglected you.
I just tried to add to the flavour and make,
What I call a perfect blend.
I cannot promise a rainbow,
But try to be the ray of hope.
To a monochromatic life.
I want to let you know that I am brown sugar.
Different from the rest.
My eyes do turn dark.
My smile slowly turns into a frown, not because of the pain
But because the stab is coming from you 
Your oh so saturated brew was somehow incomplete.
I was just trying to fill in the gap. 
And I drown.
Not wanting to fight the whirlpool.
I might never emerge again,
But my essence will always flavour the pleasantries.

Now that the deed is complete,
I succumb to the bitterness.
And let go into the Pits of Tartarus.
Being the last of the lot. 

I needed the feeling of being felt.

Your grin. It’s devilish.
It tears through what’s left of me.
Your living is craziness personified.

As you sip down the coffee looking through the remnants of me,
Soon to be nothing: I somehow feel I am still there.
The memories being the last of me.
I knew.
I was no one.
After all I wasn’t the coffee bean.

Time changes everything. I wish it changes us.

Sep 16, 2011

To My Mind:

To my mind,

I feel as if lately,
We haven't been in touch.
My heart whispers enticing words to me. 
Words that I secretly want to hear,
But of course, you would know that.

Seductive whispers. You would oppose.
You would warn me against the temptation of succumbing to it.
But I have fallen into its alluring chasm,
And am unwilling to climb out. You must save me.

I am overcome with emotions
That, like rivers nourished by the recent monsoons
Gush through my blood, saturated with love,
And with hate and with fear and with presumptuous pomposity.
Each emotion is the string of a marionette;
I pulls me in one direction, and then tugs me to the next.
Crooning with love. Simmering with anger. Drowning in hate.

You, who like a referee
Was supposed to monitor this change in entropy,
Have suddenly fled. The maps are blank and my GPS fails.
I searched in the bushes, under the bed, behind the curtains for you
Before these emotions could win their tug of war
And drag me to a corner to harass me senselessly.
If you don't return,
I will surely run mad. Maddened by the love I feel
When I imagine those wholesome faces,
Maddened by the stabbing needles of sorrow
That I wish could be a Chinese masseur skilled with acupuncture.
And crazed by the anger
That calls upon my blood to boil as if my organs were cooking.

I need you to return.
I need you to scold my senseless heart with your logic,
And to preserve my identity before I lose it
To the separate entity that is attempting to beat itself out of my chest.

Sep 7, 2011


Through the curtain of the smiles
And the veil of unperturbed joy,
Bruises blossom. Blood leaks.
Like the look on the the face
Of a soldier who has fought valiantly,
Falling to the ground
As bullets make fissures in his skin.
A battle has been fought across our hearts
Across this place in time;
And only I can see the stains of it
Darkening the grass and the wild mushrooms.
Through it grow the crops of strength;
The kind that comes with loss.

A gauze reclines, relaxed, over the truth
Of wounds too deep to clot and scab.
No amount of alcohol will lure out the germs,
No amount of therapy will heal them anymore.
They fester. Reminders of an internal pain.
And at the irony prevails;
The door of a house may be innocent
Where a war is waged in its four walls.

I see you. My eyes are calm.
The irises are a gauze.
And the soul is a wound.
And it is festering.
And it's reason is you.

Sep 5, 2011

Over Again.

It's autumn all over again,
And as the orange leaves fall
As the wind tousles my hair
As it whips the buildings tall----
I find the change in who we are
The dying friendships I tried so hard
To keep alive with this
Constant burning of lard
To keep this fire burning,
To dissipate the air of mourning;
But it shrivels before my eyes,
The love that kept us both alive
And as it fades
Into a dark distance, into a hive;

These mistakes we made keep repeating again,
The times we changed keep playing over again
And the heartbreak hits the same way every time.
Though you tell yourself you'll be strong,
And it's painfully loud that something is wrong,
I guess people never change. Not even with time.

They repeat over again.
Never cease until the end.
And the end's just so far away.

Aug 23, 2011

Happy House, in the Rain

Through the falling leaves
A history comes alive at the sight of these tall walls
And with the gravel under my feet
I remember this is where my identity began to form;
Chivalry's endangered
But here is its sanctuary;
Love is mutilated,
But here is its tributary.

And now that I'm home 
You can't chase this darkness out of my heart,
Like death on a winter rose
You can't go back to the start.

With every pang of heartache
I remember you
I remember the place
I remember the love;
The flower in the hair,
The insoles and the heels,
The Wingwoman's work,
The singular hoot I made,
Oh the silent dinners
We just looked at each other
Jumping on the bed
In happiness; I said
Things in so many secret chits
That I probably shouldn't have said
Ran through gravel in my heels
And now these feet won't give me rest,
Got to know a friend
Got make so many new friends,
Got to feel my heart beat like the drums at Lupercal
With the drumsticks controlled by other personnel;

I'm glad you all came
Into my life; and in my heart you'll stay,
These memories won't die
As long as you'll always be there.

Dedicated to all the Doscos, and my PWSians <3

Jul 5, 2011

If This Summer Was All I Had

It doesn't bother me that I am 
Confined to these four walls;
There's just a window, tall and bleak,
And I watch as raindrops fall.

This may be the last summer that I have
But I can't muster the strength
To make it worth the time and the fun
It deserves at such length.

And I see you all having the time of your life,
I see you all touring the world every week,
And I ask myself "Why have they left me behind?
Why is my own summer so bleak?"

But a prisoner can't beg for good food,
A caged bird can't demand to see the Alps,
A trapped miner can't ask for fresh air,
A cornered mouse can't plead with a please.

So I'll sit here and love my four walls,
I'll sit here and enjoy the view of the window
And I'll conjure the strength to pretend
That this solitary confinement isn't at all dull and low.

Jun 26, 2011

Advice to Myself

She may tell you that she hates you
And it may lance the fullness of your heart
But she doesn't know what hate really is,
Or what is life is like when love does depart.
She may rant incessantly, for hours, for days,
But don't listen to it, don't try to understand it-
If her mind is riddled with unsolvable problems
Stay quiet until she finds the inner peace to quit.
Her eyes are clouded with rage, but she only sees red
Beyond the colour, there is no reason she can derive,
And if she finds the occasional reason in her head,
It's lack of practicality, for her, is hard to view live.

So tell yourself, as young as you are,
That she's a fragile ball of emotion
And let silence be her comfort,
Let your empathy set her smile in motion.

Jun 7, 2011


All you want is to dream-
Dream until the reality fades
Into fairydust camouflaged
By the brilliance of a tree's shade-

You could lie in solitude,
You could smile at the sane sky
And you could marvel the velocity of the wind
But you couldn't escape, on the sly

This world.

The iron bars of the cages that trap you
Have become dusted in rust
And though your cage extends for miles
Escape has become a must;

You could sit here and be happy
Like this crowd of billions that surrounds you,
Or you could jump and face the bars
And rise about what you've learnt is true!

If they'd told you that the sky's the limit
You could strive for infinity and what's beyond,
If they've held you to the earth too long,
You could leap until you break the bond.

You could strive for so much more
Beyond your superhuman capabilities
I believe that you're above the world
So use your insane abilities.

All you want is to dream-
Dream until the reality fades
But now you can make it real.
You're beyond us by decades.


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