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3 years ago
Feb 18, 2012
Temptation's Hand.
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 5:48 PM
Through these windowpanes
That I never noticed were so caked in grime,
The outlines of rough images become defined,
Blurriness settling into an ethereal design.
Curtains of shadows flit past
And freeze fluidly in a shape, magnified, tall--
That looks eerily like a beckoning finger.
I turn my eyes away and stare at the wall.
But dust are these perilous pretensions,
That blind my sight when those beckoning shadows appear;
There are moments of piercing clarity
When illusions begin to disappear.
A beckoning finger,
A Siren's hypnotic voice.
Urging me to leave behind responsibilities,
And to turn a deaf ear to the presence of a choice.
A beckoning finger,
Evoking memories of a free world,
Grass as green as emeralds, sky a cerulean blue,
A white flag of freedom, fluttering in the wind, unfurled.
It whispers promises of quenched desires
In the murky depths of sleepless nights.
"Succumb to me," that voice murmurs,
"Fall from your climb to un-scaled heights"
And when that voice disappears, and the shadows at night,
And the mind submits to the grave concentration of life,
Though your climb to commendable heights is almost complete,
But for the last step: a steep hike in the midst of wildlife;
Determination divine, breath strong despite your struggle,
The beckoning finger returns, cutting through it with a knife.
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Please tell me if you get the connection between the picture and the poem :)
Feb 7, 2012
Masochistic Tendencies
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 5:20 PM
You can spitefully holler my name
And expect me to kneel at your feet,
You can thrust a silver dagger through my heart,
And I wouldn't mind it, it's true.
You could burn me
But I'd still smile lovingly.
You could hurt me,
But I'd still stare at you singly.
Wretched, cruel, twist in nature
Where there should be burning, red-hot rage
There is the soft, fairy quality
Of love, deep rooted in the book of my life, every page.
You could use me like a miserly tissue
Crumple me and spit on me,
But these silly, stupid masochistic tendencies
Will never become a burgeoning issue.
Feb 3, 2012
Pulling at the Heartstrings
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 5:34 PM
Rotating the rusted knobs,
Flicking the string,
Five more left to put in.
Five more left until she is human.
Strings are gently knotted, and harshly pulled to the end,
Where she lovingly secures them.
Lovingly, for they have never experienced such gentleness.
One breaks. A flinch drowns her face,
A tear breaks the guarded defense her eye.
The ghost of the pain
Is too much of a phantom to efface.
The strings,
Were so abused in her body; Before,
When they were in her heart,
They were played, until she was aching and sore.
When they were in her heart,
Her soul suffered so deep an injury,
They snapped, healed, and became bruised.
And she couldn't muster the energy
To tend to them.
Now they are stretched taut on her instrument,
She never had so much control of them as she does now---
Testing, a gentle pulling of a string,
And the air is filled with the sweet sound of shock---
The shrill pitch of euphoria,
Then the bass of sorrow and depression,
The melodious twang of freedom
And the underlying notes of indescribable happiness.
The house was so quiet before,
Mrs Higgins from next door thinks.
It used to be filled with screams of agony.
And now, the windows are tickled pink with beautiful music.
She is tugging at them. At her own heartstrings,
Giving them the love they were denied all along,
Expressing their identity,
Because inside her heart, they were abused and oblong.
Jan 27, 2012
Musings Of A Victim to Attraction
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 5:08 PM
Such a fickle, fickle heart
As easily swayed as a balloon in flight,
As easily won as a cause protested right.
Though I'm suffocated by priorities,
I sit at my window, watching the sun rise
The violent orange streaking the sky,
And a heart willing to believe in lies.
A simple act of eye-contact
Can send it racing like a race-horse in a sprint,
Thundering past, a precisely-shot bullet in motion.
Overflowing the restricting boundaries of its precinct.
So easy to trust,
So easy to hurt,
So easy to fall in love.
So difficult to calculate,
So difficult to heal,
So difficult to regain control of the mind and body.
Such a fickle, fickle heart
So coquettish, so secretive, so easily won,
I wish you were a person of your own
So that I wouldn't be tagging along to your acts of fun.
Fickle, fickle, fickle heart
I long for the day we depart
And my mind can overcome
The games you play with me.
Dec 6, 2011
These eyes are seeing white.
Where once a smile would evoke
The visions of red colours, dancing brilliantly,
They now appear flat. Dull.
Dead.
The world that was once artistically painted
With an impressionist’s scattering of
Cerulean blues and blinding, buttery yellows
and grassy greens and vivid, rose-like pinks
their edges blurred and merging, a beautiful sight---
Everything is now grey.
As if I am colour blind.
This beating entity inside my chest
Feels detached and pointless---
Just a composition of cells and vessels
A rhythmic reminder.
Someone must have sneaked to my bed at night
Artfully slit my chest open,
Delicately extracted this heart
And boiled it in scalding water.
Nerves no more tingling with sensation,
Skin no more sensing the feathery touch of friendship,
Eyes no more seeing the colours of life.
I feel sterile,
So clean. An enchantment on my own.
Everything is numb, it’s morphine, it’s white---
There are only greys. There is no emotion.
A zombie walks through these shadowed streets at night,
Wearing my clothes,
My hair upon its head,
My voice (lifeless) emanating from its larynx,
My shoes on its feet,
My possessions in its cupboard.
Such pristine serenity
In a whirlpool of numb nothingness;
I am just a body;
A withered corpse sucked dry of blood,
An earthen pot smashed on the floor,
A soulless creature,
A sponge squeezed dry of water,
A lifeless, limp flag of independence.
Life is where love is, where freedom is,
Where trust is.
Where home is.
But I have no home.
Sep 16, 2011
To my mind,
I feel as if lately,
We haven't been in touch.
My heart whispers enticing words to me.
Words that I secretly want to hear,
But of course, you would know that.
Seductive whispers. You would oppose.
You would warn me against the temptation of succumbing to it.
But I have fallen into its alluring chasm,
And am unwilling to climb out. You must save me.
Mind,
I am overcome with emotions
That, like rivers nourished by the recent monsoons
Gush through my blood, saturated with love,
And with hate and with fear and with presumptuous pomposity.
Each emotion is the string of a marionette;
I pulls me in one direction, and then tugs me to the next.
Crooning with love. Simmering with anger. Drowning in hate.
You, who like a referee
Was supposed to monitor this change in entropy,
Have suddenly fled. The maps are blank and my GPS fails.
I searched in the bushes, under the bed, behind the curtains for you
Before these emotions could win their tug of war
And drag me to a corner to harass me senselessly.
If you don't return,
I will surely run mad. Maddened by the love I feel
When I imagine those wholesome faces,
Maddened by the stabbing needles of sorrow
That I wish could be a Chinese masseur skilled with acupuncture.
And crazed by the anger
That calls upon my blood to boil as if my organs were cooking.
Mind,
I need you to return.
I need you to scold my senseless heart with your logic,
And to preserve my identity before I lose it
To the separate entity that is attempting to beat itself out of my chest.
Apr 20, 2011
Sometimes I wish
That I could just fall into your arms,
Wide open, forever,
I wish I could just surrender.
I wish what we say to each other
Was our reality
And that the intimacy
Lasted forever.
I wish that the hugs we share
Would quench my longing for you
But circumstances aren't that fair-
Every look between us
Illicits a cartwheel in my heart
And at times, it's hard to differentiate
Between the love I feel for you
And the love I feel for how we are.
And I wish
I could stop wishing for all this;
When you repaint Mona Lisa
It's just not the same, now, is it?
Let's just freeze these moments right here
And hope that it nothing changes this happiness
Between us, this sense of harmony
Because anything more
Would just be unnatural.
I wish for this wish
To be lost in the sea of hopes and dreams
That, if they came true,
Would change us 'til we're bursting at the seams.
Jan 3, 2011
Nothing Authentic
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 5:32 AM
Looking into the mirror
Scanning that expression,
A character from a movie:
With the eyes of another,
The lips of another,
The skin of another.
Replicated smile
And a plagiarized laugh
A soul molded by scores of people.
And nothing seems to be authentic.
There is no real beauty on that face,
There is nothing unique
It seems too plain to be real!
The expressions change from bright to bleak;
There is nothing authentic.
Just tesellated repetitions.
And though it brings much sorrow,
And though it perforates esteem,
That tear of disappointment
That cascades down the blotched cheek-
It shines
With the light of authentic thought
And that's all there is.
There is simply authentic thought,
And authentic love,
None of which reflects on the surface.
The surface of the sea
Is all that people see
Only a diver, one of heart
Dares to explore beneath
And in a rusted clam,
In the depths of a coral labyrinth
Does the magnificent pearl lie
Does the understanting lie.
Dec 10, 2010
He's delusional to think
That my heart doesn't flutter in glee
When he holds me close.
There's so much I could say
Every single day, in his ear,
But I don't, for words are precious.
It seems like people only love
The ones who show them that they need them.
But what about the ones
Who silently fall in love, a tug of the hem?
So let's just embrace the status quo,
And hide our love for the ones we adore,
Because when the time comes
They will realize that we share even more
Than a simple hug, a simple look, a simple laugh,
And that our connection is not simply a chore.
So let's just watch from afar
As the relationships we've worked so hard to build
Fall apart right in front of our eyes
Because someone else seems to be in need of a guild
Made of people who have one track minds.
For once the waters of the chalices are spilled,
There is no use crying over what is gone.
So let us love in silence until the message has been drilled,
Into our minds, like a permanent fixture.
Let us watch the falling apart of relationships
That we've worked so hard to build.
Nov 27, 2010
She was alone, cold to the bone,
Empty and pretending to be busy
To avoid pity from the girls of the city
Who saw her tucked in the corner
Because she felt empty, almost hollow,
With a strange kind of sorrow
And though she tried to rationalize
Her actions, explanations felt like lies.
So he went to her, with his unawares,
And he lit up her night,
He offered her his jacket
Because she was shivering in fright
Of who she was changing into,
Of who she was turning into.
And with his soothing conversation
With his warmth by her side,
They talked through the play and the fireworks,
And he her troubles set aside.
It proved to her that sometimes
All you need is sympathy,
Or just a change of subject to distract
You from the pain of empathy.
Nov 22, 2010
To Be a Girl of 16
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 5:10 AM
The only thing that makes me sleep at night,
Is knowing that I will see you tomorrow;
Your presence is a drug to my soul,
Without it, I melt into sorrow...
And my heart leaps at the sight of your face
I don't know if anyone's ever told you
But you're beautiful;
And a smile plants itself on my lips
When we're together,
For it feels wonderful!
I question whether this is what love feels like
But I'm scared to find out the answer;
If we were paired for a Masquerade, in masks,
I'd fear the lilt in my gait should you be my dancer;
They glorify love-
And they say it rarely happens,
And they say that when you find love in another,
Approach it while it beckons;
But I could never love you openly,
For I'd leave our foundation in ruins
I'd be sacrificing us the way we are now,
I'd be a lone mouse and you the bruins;
And thus I, just a child in my heart,
Must carry on in silence,
I must supress the joy
That pools out of me with violence-
For I lose myself in your laugh,
And I drown in our contact,
I'm a prey to your charm,
And this infatuation is intact,
And so I love you from afar,
From distance, from near,
You're always in my heart,
If I should let anything slip, oh, I fear.
I love you in silence, the contents of my safe
To which the combination I don't know to date.
Jun 1, 2010
11) Let You Go
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 9:49 PM
I've been standing underneath these heavenly showers
Even though the clouds have long since parted away.
Rain drops are prominent on the lids of my eyes
I cannot seem to handle the pain today.
Crippling, slowly, down on my knees
Music in my heart makes me weak
I open my mouth to say something
But beauty has robbed my chance to speak
To you.
Harmonies of pianos in my head, serenading the love I feel-
Rose petals scattered on my bed, as if nothing feels real-
My lips cannot sing goodbye for you
I can't let you go, let you go, let you go.
I pledge to myself: I won't cry for you
A friend, I won't let you go, let you go, let you go.
Smiling even though it hurts to be happy
For your sake I'll let you go, let you go, let you go.
And when I hug you for the last time, farewell,
I know I'll have to let you go, let you go, let you go.
May 21, 2010
Ice on sensually scorching skin,
Whispering the sizzles of love for our sin
Though nobody knows, it feels as if the world stares
At my back and understands that nothing compares.
The curves, contours of heaving
Smooth skin blown warm by my breath
Tattoo my mind as I fall asleep,
Your skin on mine, intensity bound to be bequeath.
Arms caging my torso demandingly
Asking for what I can certainly give;
I succumb to the pull of promiscuity
This is a choice for which I live,
Palms exploring the depressions and mountains
Of landscapes much too small to be the work of God
But are as pious, are as heavenly, given to me,
The circles of beauty, triangulated by a rod-
Escaping into the caves of illusions
Into the warmth and comfort of sheets and skin
Leaving me breathless under my closed eyes and open mouth
Your smile shimmers like electroplated tin.
Cold water douses my heart, stabbing my daydreams;
Still enriched in the sensual coating of warmth and heat
It's all been a dream, I beg you to bring it true,
You already have me bowed over your feet.
In and out of addiction, I wander
These are decisions I'm forced to ponder over
I already want you to take me,
I will happy the day you take me to be
With you.
Apr 29, 2010
Addiction to a drug,
So intoxicated by his love
For a girl who's mature enough
To handle this drug.
The day is incomplete
Without seeing him one more time,
Without a dream in the night,
The day is incomplete.
Explosions everyday
Yesterday was the perfect voice,
Tomorrow will be the faultless grace,
New person everyday.
Drowning deeper an deeper,
Affection for him climbs steeper and steeper,
My soul's keeper, he's the keeper,
On his drug I'm a sleeper.
Addiction to this drug,
So intoxicated by his love
For the world of change
I'm addicted to his drug.
Mar 27, 2010
29) Something's Not the Same
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 6:04 PM
It seems like we've been walking on a line
Made of darkness and decline
And formed with shapes and ideas and speech
We were just too blind to see.
There's been a hand squeezing our hearts,
So all that bleeding happiness departs
And maybe it's something in the air, a disease-
A tormenting black plague never to cease
Can you tell by the way the light bends away
That there is darkness, there is something wrong,
Someone's not living their song.
Do you feel it as I do, the clouds emerging to rain today
Days stretch too far and too long
Our faces sit dull, masked and oblong.
Looking beside me I see a thousand tears,
And behind me, there's nothing but glazed eyes and flattened ears!
In the mirror, I can't help seeing the same,
The greetings of the season are here in God' name...
You and I, standing in a world that's plagued by
A kind grip that tells me things are going to change,
Days pass by, you and I, we stand by each other
Knowing that there's something,
Anything,
Just something,
Like a little word
Or a rogue emotion,
A star not in motion,
A blinding potion,
An impulsive notion,
Something's just not the same,
Something's just not the same.
Feb 28, 2010
27) Can't Write You My Heart
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 6:48 AM
When I dreamt that I could say the words
That would've healed the wounds of humanity
My mouth dried up and I looked away,
So much for my intelligent sanity.
Though I thought I could mend my broken heart
I ran out of gauze and Band-Aids,
I couldn't express the way I felt well enough,
Now my happiness slowly fades.
Neither with ink nor words embossed with light
Can I seem to write you my heart
As if my lake of words I could've said has dried,
My world wouldn't have blown apart.
Why aren't my words good enough
To show how your gaze is so rough?
Why aren't I your first choice, tell me that,
Why do you keep cringing from my voice?
Please tell me you want me, and if you don't,
I'm ready to leave and just go
Please tell me if you're using me,
I won't be mad - I just want to know!
As ten thousand ships of belief pull away,
I wonder whether my attitude and I should stay,
Because I feel so cold underneath the skies so grey
Let the words I can say come, amen, I pray.
Feb 11, 2010
23) Drown (Part I)
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 6:05 AM
As the winter rains tattoo the windows,
And the skies turn inky black,
Walking on, I know there is no road
That will help take me back.
For I feel so lost in a giant world
Made out of concrete and metal dreams,
Each step I take is made so complicated,
No simplicity remains, it seems.
Where did all the happiness go?
Did it evaporate like these puddles of rain?
For Man makes this life so hard to live,
So borderlined and downright insane.
The largest lakes or the smallest teardrops
Call me name for I, in them, want to drown
To insulate my mind from the grasps of the world
As this insanity continues to pull me down.
Feb 10, 2010
20) Feels Like a Girl
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 8:16 AM
Persistently I may be telling you
That it cannot be, just go away,
When in my mind I love it,
I love how you flirt with me and what you say
Because it make me feel,
It make me reel,
It makes me smile like a girl;
It makes me blush,
And though our conversations are a hush,
I feel like such a girl.
The world doesn't approve of what you write
But to me, those words are the most promiscuous in sight,
For they're different to the words I hear
In my everyday passing - so dull and drear.
But your words light up my mind
That's been, for the day, the dormant kind,
And I look away just to smile-
Nobody has made me feel so feminine in a while.
I look away just to smile, oh boy,
Hoping you don't sense my joy.
Feb 7, 2010
17) I Know Pain Too
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 9:35 PM
Mirrored in a person's eyes,
These lips smile and these eyes twinkle
These tresses flick and ripple
These bubbles of ecstacy show
Just these, these, and nothing more.
Not shown are the purpling bruises
Hidden beneath sweaters and a shirt,
Not shown are the marks of tears
As soap counters their tracks of hurt
Nor the blood from internal pain
Borne by the sounds of metal on flesh
Neither the the sounds of sobs again
That with each moment emerge afresh.
Just that mask,
That hides so much and shows so little,
So that the world does not judge,
And the soul is not be belittled.
Where there is no option, no shelter
The only alternative is the open;
The solace of birds and seas:
Peace do they singly shapen.
No support, no help, no aid,
Asking for the hurt to quickly fade
Just a stoked poker face
Shows and blooms and well is made.
Lies coat this utopian world
That has been built out of nothing but dreams
And what there is to my sharp pain
Nothing, no one can dream to realize
Free to be hurt, controlled and defied
I may dream, sound true, but my words are lies,
Not a single essence of my masked pain is
Mirrored in a person's eyes.
16) Marionettes
0 comments These are the terribly insignificant musings of Aishwarya Nagar at 8:45 PM
Everything I said,
Every view I gave on the world-
That you should never give up,
That the world will turn around
And at some point be
What you want it to be,
Is a lie. It's a world I'd live in
If I wasn't surrounded by sin
If I could decide what my life would be,
If people never stuck to destiny.
The day I was born there was a vow in my blood,
To raise me up as some kind of perfect girl
With the perfect face, perfect mind,
With the most perfect personality one could find.
That day was the day I could never love
Somebody I wanted to when I grew up
'Cause I was raised to wed the perfect guy
With the perfect face, perfect mind.
The world feels like the puppeteer,
And I the hopeless marionette,
The twitch of a string
I'd take command in my wing
Like my future's already set.
Cut the strings, and my soul sings,
The song of freedom everyday
To have you mistaken loons understand
Me isn't possible in any way.
I feel so manipulated, so controlled
Like my future's already set in stone
Where I thought cool water flowed with peace,
There are icy stones and cumbersome debris.
You say that being what this Age allows me to be
Is a terrible curse
And I should live in your past,
But that's even worse.
Let me decide how bad I feel,
For my heart's not yours,
It was never yours.
;;
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